How to manage couple fights? by Lola Sorribes
Hello, I'm Lola Sorribes, writer, therapist and founder of Golden Pyramide.
I want to share a little of my experience and perspective with you after several years helping people in their daily lives.
Today I want to talk to you about...
Couple fights, what to do?
Fights over nonsense, or meaninglessness, in my view, are the typical ones that start with a bad word, continue with a response in the same vein and that is where the argument begins. The typical little argument that appears "out of nowhere", yes, the one that generally within 2 minutes of raising your voice, using irony or satire, you no longer know why it started.
Thus, as an introduction, I am going to specify that two do not fight if one does not want to, that is to say: if the person who receives the bad word knows how to avoid it because he is in a good mood, then the fight does not exist. In other words, in an argument the responsibility (let's eliminate the word guilt from the vocabulary) is always shared, so to end it healthily and consciously, each person must recognize their part and apologize for it. If not, that small episode leaves a halo of resentment that accumulates on the couple's hard drive and can bloom again at any time in unrecognizable forms.
Maribel's case
In my practice I have many cases that ask me about these types of fights. I remember the case of a girl in particular, let's say her name was Maribel:
Maribel came to my office to try to solve the frequent fights she usually had with her partner. He explained to me that he couldn't stand many of the things he did: leaving the toilet lid up, not putting the dishes in the dishwasher, not using the washing machines, etc. etc. They were small details that weren't serious, but they irritated her a lot. And the worst thing was that, the more she scolded him and they argued, the more he seemed to reinforce the acts that made her mad, accumulating more and more anger and negative feelings in the couple that ended up transforming into mutual rejection.
That day I explained to Maribel that when faced with a gesture that destabilizes us, it is important to park the first impulse and listen to the voice of higher consciousness, so that our response is more harmonious. Since the first reaction that comes to all of us when faced with something that disturbs us is usually motivated by the ego, by our wounds and by our lack of self-love and, therefore, it is usually a defensive reaction that is often involved in airs of irony, sarcasm, reproaches or other types of verbal toxicity.
Steps to follow
- The law of 20 seconds: when you detect anger at a comment or reaction from the other party, count to 20. Sometimes with this step there is enough to bring out the second voice and say things from love and not cause it to become a fight.
- The 24-hour law: if the anger that has provoked you is very great, and you see that after 20 seconds you still feel like using a high tone of voice or irony to answer, you have to go to the next step, which is: Wait 24 hours to talk about it.
Otherwise the only thing you are going to achieve is listen to your ego, unearth the hatchet and come up with your most Schwarzeneguer version of the subject.
Well, after applying these steps, and after 45 days, Maribel returned with her conclusions, very excited. She told me that when she paid attention to the second voice, she was able to understand her husband's behavior and spoke with him. In this way, without knowing it, in addition to solving his problems, it helped him overcome patterns of rebellion that he had with his mother and that he had not resolved. As I later found out from him, his mother disqualified and scolded him a lot during his childhood and adolescence.
Finally I asked Maribel to practice the exercise to disconnect the autopilot that I present below. When she came back to see me, she didn't do it alone, her husband accompanied her. According to his words, he came to meet the woman who had saved his marriage.
In conclusion
The man began to feel much better for feeling understood and supported by his wife, and he began to understand her as well, improving the level of emotional communication, empathy and love between them.These are the results that are achieved when we are able to disconnect the autopilot of thoughts that are directly linked to emotions. This always gives us the opportunity to choose the kindest and most effective options to solve things.
I love proverbs, there are very useful and accurate ones, but the one that says "The best defense is a good attack" should be eliminated from our culture because it settles into our beliefs and puts more obstacles and karma than anything else. .
I hope this helps you understand the other party, and accept those micro fights that are sometimes more common than we would like. And at the same time humbly assume our part of responsibility in each of them. It's normal, it happens to all of us.
Bach flowers that I recommend
If you are in that stage where “pointless” fights accumulate, your Bach flowers are Beech , Holly and Star of Bethlehem to heal grudges or any combination of flowers that contain these 3.
A heartfelt hug.
Lola Sorribes
Therapist and writer.
Founder of Golden Pyramide.